Making The Transition From Friends Back To Lovers

Alright, so you broke up and became friends. You've seen, talked to, and hung out with your ex boyfriend even after the relationship ended. But now... you want him back. You're no longer happy with being just friends. What's your next move?

Friends With Ex Boyfriend

Well first, understand that establishing a friendship with your ex boyfriend was a seriously bad idea. You've created a situation in which your ex now views you in a platonic way, and that's going to be hard to break.

The longer you've remained friends with him, the further removed you are from his romantic thoughts. Yes, you're his ex girlfriend. Yes, you've seen each other naked. But whether the sex ended when your breakup happened or you've continued some sort of 'friends with benefits' arrangement, the fact of the matter is that your exboyfriend now sees you as a buddy (or f-buddy), and not as a potential girlfriend.

Changing The Way Your Ex Boyfriend Views You

To win back your boyfriend, you'll need to present yourself in the same way you did when the two of you first began dating. He needs to see you as a girl first, and a friend second. To accomplish this, you'll need to do something you might not like: remove yourself from the friendship entirely. Because while you're still friends with your ex? It's impossible for you to make any serious play toward getting him back.

Let's take a quick look at the situation from your ex boyfriend's point of view:

 He gets to call or contact you when he needs someone to talk to
 He gets to see you on a daily basis, or whenever he feels like it
 He gets to hang out with you, and do fun stuff together
 He's not obligated to call you, since he's not your boyfriend
 He's free to date other girls, without fear of losing you
 He gets to remain intimate (if you're still hooking up together)

Can you see why, in such a position, your ex boyfriend would ever want you back?

Seriously, think about it. Your ex has absolutely no incentive to ever get back together with you right now. As your friend, he's got everything he could ever ask for in a relationship with you - all of the fun, happiness, and connectivity of being close again - but without any of the drawbacks of being committed.

Your ex has companionship without conflict. He has communication without obligation. And if you're sleeping with your exboyfriend? He even has sex without monogamy. You're giving him everything, and he's giving you back nothing at all.

Why "Let's Be Friends" Is Always Doomed To Failure

Staying friends after the break up can't help your situation... it can only hurt it. This is difficult for some women to hear, especially if they're already enmeshed in this type of platonic relationship. Some even want to believe that their post-breakup friendship is actually successful, and that both parties are happy.

In the short term, it might be possible to stay friends with an ex. In the long term however, your friendship will always crumble. Your next boyfriend or his next girlfriend will actively try to destroy any type of connection the two of you try and have. This is common jealousy, and it's to be expected. After all, would you be totally cool if your next boyfriend was still talking to, emailing, or even hanging out with his ex? Probably not.

Being Friends With Your Ex - Why You Gain No Benefit

Staying friends with a guy you're still in love with gives you absolutely no benefit at all. Most women who accept such a scenario do it out of necessity: not wanting to lose their boyfriend completely, they try to keep up any type of connection they can.

You might also think remaining friends will allow you to see him, know what he's doing, and be aware of what's going on in your boyfriend's single life. But before you jump right in, ask yourself a question: do you really want that?

Let's take a quick glance at the "benefits" you get by staying friends with your ex:

 Lame small talk, instead of deep and meaningful conversation
 The constant fear of your ex boyfriend meeting another girl
 The loneliness of waiting around, hoping he'll want you back
 The anxiety of worrying about whether he still loves you
 The charade of pretending not to still be in love with him
 The churning in your stomach when he gets a new girlfriend

Check out the above list. Sound familiar? In this 'friendship' you've established with your ex boyfriend, are you getting your end of the bargain?

Breaking Free of the Friendship Trap - Winning Him Back

Once you've realized that staying friends is only going to hurt your chances at reconciliation, the only choice you have is to break ties with your ex boyfriend. If this means prying apart your already-established 'friendship', so be it.

Can't Be Friends With Ex

In fact, the very idea of you ending the friendship is actually a great thing. In many ways, this will act as a catalyst to get your ex boyfriend interested in you again. Why? Because by telling your ex you can't continue being friends any longer, you're breaking up with him. This is a type of rejection, and it will instantly grab his attention no matter how long it's been since your relationship ended.

So what do you say to your ex boyfriend? Try something along these lines:

"Listen, the friendship thing isn't working out for me. It's kinda holding me back, and I need to move in a different direction. Good luck, and I wish you the best."

When you approach the situation in this manner, your ex can't even argue it. He'll panic at the thought of losing you, and will immediately wonder where you plan on going. Certainly it seems as if you have something on the horizon... another guy? Another relationship? Your ex will wonder if you're finally over him, and this will actually cause him to consider your relationship - not your friendship - in a different light again.

The choice for him is simple: if he wants you in his life again, he needs to approach you as a girlfriend. Otherwise, he stands to lose you completely. Depending upon how close he feels to you, this could cause your ex to begin giving some serious thought to dating you again.

For the ultimate guide on how to gently nudge your ex from being just friends to wanting to date you again, you may want to check out this specialty guide:

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